With bomb-blasts fast becoming out of date and out of fashion and being replaced with Hostage Situations and Urban-Wars and as it were there is a very real clear and present danger of us Mumbaikars being in the wrong place at the wrong time and ending up in a Hostage situation.
Now this post isn’t about the Apathy of the Government or the inaptness of the security forces. Let’s face it, it’s a daunting task keeping us safe and unreasonable to expect anything out of such Bungling idiots. So we have to help ourselves.
It is Every Man For Himself in its most basic and true sense.
So what to do if you find yourself a Hostage of some Fidayeen Jackass ?
Firstly Think like a terrorist - I’d start by thinking about what really inspires fear. One thing that scares people is the thought that they could be a victim of an attack. With that in mind, I’d want to do something that everybody thinks might be directed at them, even if the individual probability of harm is very low. Humans tend to overestimate small probabilities, so the fear generated by an act of terrorism is greatly disproportionate to the actual risk.
Here are some good instructions I have compiled.
I know its a little long and we are not used to reading so much (Thanks to the TV)
but well frankly Boo...Hoo. .. Its long and you will read it too , if you want to live long.
How to Survive and Hostage Situation
For most people (Normal ones at least) , being kidnapped or held hostage is a terrifying experience. And it happens that fast. Sometimes so fast that you can't even attempt to escape your abductor(s). Fortunately, most kidnapping victims are released unharmed, most fairly quickly. Make no mistake, though: any abduction can turn deadly, and whether the victim survives depends largely on decisions he or she makes while in captivity.
Steps
1. Attempt to thwart the abduction. If you can escape the initial abduction attempt, your ordeal ends right there.
2. Survive the initial abduction. The first few minutes of a hostage-taking situation or abduction are the most dangerous, and they become more dangerous if you resist. While in many cases, the potential for immediate escape outweighs the danger of resistance, there are times (if there are multiple armed attackers, for example) where escape is not realistic and therefore not worth the risk. Think rationally and be cooperative in this sort of situation.
3. Regain your composure. (I Know it’s Easy to say) Your adrenaline will be pumping, your heart will be pounding, and you will be terrified. Calm down. The sooner you can regain your composure the better off you will be immediately and in the long run.
4. Be observant. Right from the start, you should try to observe and remember as much as possible in order to help you plan an escape, predict your abductor's next moves, or give information to the police(Hoping they will help soon) to aid in a rescue or to help apprehend and convict the kidnapper. You may not be able to use your eyes--you may be blindfolded--but you can still gather information with your senses of hearing, touch, and smell. Try to use you cell phone to relay information out to someone.
5. Observe your captor(s).
• How many are there?
• Are they armed? If so, with what?
• Are they in good physical condition?
• What do they look and/or sound like? How old are they?
• Do they seem well-prepared?
• What are their emotional states?
6. Observe your surroundings.
• Where are you being taken? Visualize the route the abductors take. Make note of turns, stops, and variations in speed. Try to gauge the amount of time between points.
• Where are you being held? Take in as much detail as possible about your surroundings. Where are the exits? Are there cameras in place, a lock on the door, or other security precautions? Try to figure out where you are, and gather information that may be helpful if you decide to escape.
7. Observe yourself.
• Are you injured or wounded? Try to ask fellow hostages for help, calmly.
• How are you bound or otherwise incapacitated? How much freedom of movement do you have?
8. Try to ascertain why you have been abducted. There are a variety of motivations for abduction, from sexual assault to ransom demands to political leverage to religious fanaticism. How you interact with your captors, and whether you risk an escape, should depend at least partly on your captors' motivation. If they are holding you for ransom or to negotiate the release of prisoners, you are most likely worth far more to them alive than dead. If you've been captured by a serial killer or sexual predator, however, or if you've been abducted in retaliation for some political or military action, your abductor likely intends to kill you. Your decision of whether and when to attempt an escape should be made based on this information.
9. Keep a survival attitude. Be positive. Don’t give up !! You are alive so far no ??
Remember, most kidnapping victims survive--the odds are with you. That said, you should prepare yourself for a long captivity. Some hostages have been held for years, but they kept a positive attitude, played their cards right, and were eventually freed. Take it one day at a time.
10. Put your captor at ease. Be calm. Cooperate (within reason) with your captor. Don't make threats or become violent, and don't attempt to escape unless the time is right (see below).
11. Keep your dignity. It is generally psychologically harder for a person to kill, rape, or otherwise harm a captive if the captive remains "human" in the captor's eyes. Do not grovel, beg, or become hysterical. Try even not to cry. Do not challenge your abductor, but show him that you are worthy of respect
12. Attempt to establish a rapport with your abductor. If you can build some sort of bond with your captor, he will generally be more hesitant to harm you.
13. Avoid insulting your abductor or talking about potentially sensitive subjects. You may think your abductor is a pathetic, disgusting individual. While captives in movies sometimes get away with saying such things, you should keep these thoughts to yourself. In addition, as in most conversations with people you don't know, politics and religion is a good topic to stay away from, especially if you are being held by terrorists or hostage-takers that are politically or religiously manipulated/motivated.
14. Be a good listener. Care about what your captor has to say. Don't patronize him, but be empathetic, and he'll feel more comfortable around you and more benevolent toward you. Being a good listener can also help you gather information that would be useful for an escape or to help police apprehend the abductor after you're freed
15. Appeal to your captor's family feelings. If you have children and your captor also has children, you have a powerful bond already in place. Your captor can probably "put himself in your shoes," realizing the impact his abduction or death would have on his family, In the hope of inducing Lima Syndrome in the abductors, in which affected abductors begin to sympathize with their hostages and might just free them.
16. Try to communicate with other captives. If you are held with other captives, talk to them as much as is safely possible. If you look out for each other and have others to talk to, your captivity will be easier to handle. You may also be able to plan an effective escape together. Depending on the situation, your communication may have to be covert, and if you're held for a long time you may develop codes and signals.
17. Keep track of time, and try to discern patterns. Keeping track of time can help you establish routines that will enable you to maintain your dignity and your sanity. It can also help you plan and execute an escape if you can detect patterns of when your abductor comes and goes and for how long he is gone. If there are no clocks available, you will need to make a conscious effort to keep track of time. If you can see sunlight, it will be fairly easy, but otherwise you can listen for changes in activity outside, make note of differences in your captor's awareness level, try to detect different food odours, or look for other clues.
18. Daydream. Think about what you'll do when you get back home. Hold conversations in your head with friends and loved ones. Do these things consciously, and you won't be going crazy—quite far from it you'll be keeping yourself sane. Recite some prayer, hymn, Hanuman Chalisha helps a lot (form some accounts.)
19. Stay mentally active. Captivity can be boring and mind-numbing. It's important challenge your mind so you can remain sane, but also so you can think rationally about escape. Do math problems, think of puzzles, try to recite poems you know; pray do whatever you can to keep yourself occupied and mentally sharp.
20. Stay physically active. It can be difficult to remain in shape in captivity, especially if you're restrained, but it's important to do so. Being in good physical condition can aid in your escape and keep you in good spirits during your captivity. Exercise, even if it's just doing jumping jacks, pushups, or even pushing your hands together or stretching. Try dancing to a tune in your head.
21. Ask for small favors. If you're settled in for a long captivity, gradually ask for small accommodations. Request a heavier blanket, for example, or a newspaper. Keep requests small, at least initially, and space them far apart. You can make your captivity more comfortable and make yourself more human to your captors.
22. Blend in. (Its the most important thing ) If you are held with other captives, you don't want to stand out, especially not as a troublemaker. Remember the odd man goes out –Dead.
23. Watch out for warning signs. If your captors decide to kill you, you need to know as soon as possible so that you can plan an escape. If they suddenly stop feeding you, if they treat you more harshly (dehumanizing you), if they suddenly seem desperate or frightened, or if other hostages are being released but your captors don't appear to intend release you, look out
24. Try to escape only if the time is right. When is the right time to escape? Sometimes it's safest to just wait to be freed or rescued. However, if the perfect situation presents itself--if you have a solid plan and are almost certain that you can successfully escape--you should take advantage of the opportunity. You should also attempt to escape, even if your chances are not good, if you are reasonably certain that your captors are going to kill you. Dont get jumpy unnecessarily.
25. Stay out of the way if a rescue attempt is made. Hooray--the cavalry is here! Before you get too excited, keep in mind that aside from the first few minutes of an abduction, the rescue attempt is the most dangerous time in a hostage situation. Your captors may become desperate and attempt to use you as a shield, or they may simply decide to kill any hostages. Even if your captors are taken by surprise, you could be killed by the actions of police or soldiers, who may use explosives and heavy firepower to enter a building. When a rescue attempt occurs, try to hide from your captors, if possible. Stay low, and protect your head with your hands, or try to get behind some kind of protective barrier (under a desk or table, for example, or in a bathtub). Don't make sudden movements when armed rescuers burst in.
26. Follow the rescuers' instructions carefully.(Don't be an ass) Your rescuers will be on edge, and they will most likely shoot first and ask questions later. Obey all commands they give. If they tell everybody to lie down on the floor or put their hands on their heads, for example, do it. Remain calm and put rescuers at ease.
** TIPS **
• If you have pictures of your family with you, consider showing one or more of your captors if the topic comes up. It can help to evoke their family feelings.
• Don't try to be a hero: for example if they ask for everyone to hand in mobile phones, don’t keep yours, give it in, otherwise if they catch you with it your are putting yourself at a huge risk.
• If you're forced into a vehicle, open the door and get out if you can. If you can't get out of the vehicle, try to jam something into the ignition cylinder before the abductor inserts the key into the ignition, or pull the key out of the ignition and jam something in. A button off your clothes, a piece of metal, a stick, or the bubble gum in your mouth can all effectively prevent the abductor from inserting the key and starting the vehicle.
• If you're placed in a trunk, try to escape. If you can't get out, rip out or kick through the panel leading to the brake lights, and kick the lights out. You can then stick your arm out and alert motorists that you are inside. If you can't push the lights out, at least disconnect the wires so police are more likely to pull the car over. In addition, yell for help and pound on the trunk lid whenever the vehicle stops or is travelling slowly.
• Avoid struggling if you are restrained. It's a good idea to discreetly test your bonds, but don't struggle too much or you could injure yourself.
• If you are drugged, don't resist. Usually drugs are administered to sedate you and make you more manageable. This may make your captivity easier to bear, and it may also help you to be calm and think rationally.
• Remember to cooperate and empathize with your captors, but only within reason. In long periods of captivity, captives may develop what is known as Stockholm syndrome, in which they begin to identify with their captors, sometimes to the point of helping their captors commit crimes or escape justice.
• If you're a foreign national in a hostile country, or if you're captured during wartime, consider the implications of an escape. For one thing, if people won't help you or, worse yet, if they're likely to assist your abductors, you're probably better off not attempting to escape. There is also the possibility, especially during an active conflict, that you're safer where you are than you would be if you escaped. Weigh your decision carefully, because getting away from your captors may just be the beginning of your ordeal.
• Keep Cell phone silent, not even on vibrator (Makes a little sound) and wrapped in clothes or a handkerchief to block out the cell phone light from giving it away. In case the battery is low switch it off for use when you can actually talk.
If asked to give up cellphones discretely dial a emergency no and keep the phone on, at least it can give some clues out, to aid the rescue.
Warnings
• Keep in mind that if you are recaptured after an initial escape attempt, you will very likely not get another chance to escape. Make your escape count.
• Your attacker will likely be very mad when you fight back, especially if you cause him injury. Only become violent if you think you have a good chance of escape, and then do not hold back when attempting to injure your attacker--be as vicious and forceful as possible. It is imperative that you escape once you stun or incapacitate the abductor, because if you are recaptured he will take his anger out on you.
• Don't attempt to remove a blindfold, and don't try to take off a mask, either off yourself or off a captor. If the captor doesn't want you to see him, it could be a good sign: he may intend to release you and doesn't want you to be able to identify him. If, however, you then see him, he may decide to kill you because you can identify him.
• Be careful talking to other captives, especially about escaping or about classified information you may have. A fellow captive may rat you out to court the favor of the kidnappers, or one of the "captives" may in fact be a spy for your captors.
• Don't get your hopes toooo up. A positive attitude is important, but if you get excited and then get let down, it will be hard to stay positive. If you captors begin to talk about your release, take it with a grain of salt. Don't set yourself up to be let down.
• Be careful about what you tell abductors. If they're holding your for ransom or for political collateral, it's usually best if they think you're wealthy or important, even if you're not. If they abducted you to kill you in retaliation for some political action, however, you want to seem very unimportant and uninvolved, even if you're not. It's very important to determine your captors' motivations so you can determine what to tell them, and what not to.
Remember -- For the terrorist you are more valuable alive then dead, a dead hostage is useless. So you have a good chance.
Print out a copy and read and re-read it, and if unfortunately in the end if you are killed at least it wont be because of your foolishness, just fate.
..................................................KEEP SAFE
Friday, November 28, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Salaries and GDP
· Barack Obama, the next President of the world's largest economy, the
· Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd gets a salary of $330,300 (Rs 16,516,332). In the wake of the recession, Kevin Rudd has plans to cut down high salaries in the corporate sector.
· The French president Nicolas Sarkozy's salary has nearly doubled in 2008. Nicolas Sarkozy's annual salary is now Euro 240,000 (Rs 15,429,191).
· The Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel receives 220,000 Euro (Rs 14,138,899) per annum and a 22,000 Euro (Rs 1,413,577) as bonus.
· The Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper, gets an annual salary of $280,000 (Rs 14,001,129). Media reports say that Stephen Harper's addition of more cabinet members could cost an additional $3.9 million in salaries.
· British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gets salary as the First Lord of the Treasury and as a Member of Parliament. Gordon Brown receives Euro 127,334 (Rs 8,182,944) per annum, in addition to the salary of Euro 60,277 (Rs 3,875,418) as a Member of Parliament. The total salary is about Rs 12,05,8362.
· Compared to other heads of state, Russian prime minister's Vladimir Putin's salary is on the lower side. He gets an annual salary of $81,190 (Rs 4,060,214).
· The Indian President Pratibha Patil gets a salary of Rs 150,000 per month (Rs 18,00,000 annually). The vice president's salary is Rs 125,000 per month, while the governors get a pay of Rs 110,000 a month.
Note – Perks (free housing, free electricity, free travel, free telephones, free security, etc.) not included!
Hummm..........I feel I have really wasted time in medicine, Politics is better paying over and under the table.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
HINDEEEEEEEEEEE
Thanks Mr. Raj, I had always though it would be cold day in hell when I thank any of our damned politicians for anything, but here I must make an exception. No, I don't thank him for the rampage, or beating up of people, that I leave to the Trauma Doctors. But I thank him profoundly for the eye-opener he recently popped -- "India does NOT have any national language."
Then what is our Rashtra Bhasha ??
If even you thought it was Hindi, you don’t need to feel miserable about it, because a majority of the Indian population is with you. Most of us are/were under the same wrong impression.
Everyone has it firmly imprinted in their minds right form school, thank God they didn't get the Rastra Pita wrong. I for one am glad to know that out education system is flawed ,makes it nice to have a scapegoat to explain why I am still a Illiterate boor.
OK, let's settle this once and for all. I'm not in the mood to write too much about this now coz there's plenty of material on it. I'll just direct you towards a couple of links.
(If you are lazy lust skip them and read on)
http://www.thehindu.com/thehindu/mag/2005/01/16/stories/2005011600260300.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_national_languages_of_India
(Boy..are you lazy..Anyways......)
The gist of it all being that Hindi is 'A' national language (along with 22 other languages mentioned under the 8th schedule of the Indian constitution), as opposed to the common perception that Hindi is 'THE' national language.
Hindi is an official language of the states of Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Jharkhand, Uttarakhand, Madhya Pradesh, Rajasthan, Chattisgarh, Himachal Pradesh, Haryana and the National Capital, the Territory of Delhi. Bengali is the official language of West Bengal and certain parts of the North-east. Marathi is the official language of Maharashtra. Punjabi is the official language of Punjab, Haryana. Gujarati is the official language of Gujarat. Tamil is the official language of Tamil Nadu, Puducherry and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands. Malayalam is the official language of Kerala and Lakshadweep. Kannada is the official language of Karnataka. Telugu is the official language of Andhra Pradesh. Oriya is the official language of Orissa. Assamese is the official language of Assam; it's spoken widely in many of the seven northeastern states. English is the co-official language of the Indian Union, and each of the several states mentioned above may also have another co-official language.
Then what is our Rashtra Bhasha ??
If even you thought it was Hindi, you don’t need to feel miserable about it, because a majority of the Indian population is with you. Most of us are/were under the same wrong impression.
Everyone has it firmly imprinted in their minds right form school, thank God they didn't get the Rastra Pita wrong. I for one am glad to know that out education system is flawed ,makes it nice to have a scapegoat to explain why I am still a Illiterate boor.
OK, let's settle this once and for all. I'm not in the mood to write too much about this now coz there's plenty of material on it. I'll just direct you towards a couple of links.
(If you are lazy lust skip them and read on)
http://www.thehindu.com/thehindu/mag/2005/01/16/stories/2005011600260300.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_national_languages_of_India
http://vetri-vel.blogspot.com/2006/12/india-does-not-have-national-language.html
Part XVII of the constitution:
This part 17, defines an OFFICIAL language, NOT a national language.
http://www.astro.virginia.edu/~sk4zw/india-const/p17.html
Article 345: This gives the State govt., power to decide its own “OFFICIAL LANGUAGE”
http://www.astro.virginia.edu/~sk4zw/india-const/p17345.html
Article 343: This defines Hindi in devangari script and English to be the “OFFICIAL LANGUAGES” of union govt.
http://www.astro.virginia.edu/~sk4zw/india-const/p17343.html
(Boy..are you lazy..Anyways......)
The gist of it all being that Hindi is 'A' national language (along with 22 other languages mentioned under the 8th schedule of the Indian constitution), as opposed to the common perception that Hindi is 'THE' national language.
Hindi is an official language of the states of Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Jharkhand, Uttarakhand, Madhya Pradesh, Rajasthan, Chattisgarh, Himachal Pradesh, Haryana and the National Capital, the Territory of Delhi. Bengali is the official language of West Bengal and certain parts of the North-east. Marathi is the official language of Maharashtra. Punjabi is the official language of Punjab, Haryana. Gujarati is the official language of Gujarat. Tamil is the official language of Tamil Nadu, Puducherry and the Andaman and Nicobar Islands. Malayalam is the official language of Kerala and Lakshadweep. Kannada is the official language of Karnataka. Telugu is the official language of Andhra Pradesh. Oriya is the official language of Orissa. Assamese is the official language of Assam; it's spoken widely in many of the seven northeastern states. English is the co-official language of the Indian Union, and each of the several states mentioned above may also have another co-official language.
DIFFERENCE between National and Official Language:
NATIONAL LANGUAGE: Defines the people of the nation, culture, history.
OFFICIAL LANGUAGE: A language that is used for official communication
While a National language by default can become the Official language, an Official language has to be APPROVED legally to become the National language.
All languages spoken in India, starting from the most populous to the least are our national languages, because all of them define the people of this nation, culture and their history collectively.
India has NO LEGALLY DEFINED NATIONAL LANGUAGES ONLY 23 OFFICIAL languages as per the constitution.
Article 345 provides constitutional recognition to "official languages" of the union to include any one or more of the languages in use in the state or Hindi language adopted by a state legislature as the official language of that state.
Now the More Democratic Minds might say --- since Hindi is the most wide spread language it should be made the National language (If we ever decide to single one out.)
According to that same logic we should also change our National Animal to the Stray Dog, or the Bandicoot and the National Animal should be the Crow. and you dont need to be told that is sheer lunacy.
But then I feel -- Is India unique in having no National Language ??
On checking out the List of Multilingual Countries and Regions on Wikipedia, it was evident that most of the multilingual countries do not have any National Language.
Isn't it great that we have so many official languages.......
What is alarming is that most of us have been under the very wrong impression that our National Language is Hindi.
Why does a majority have this imprinted in their minds? Who is responsible for this?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
TELL ME NO BABA....SANGA TARI ? KAISA BOLNEKA ?
Its amusing how it takes Stoning, Shop-Closing, Beating up people and Rioting in General to exhume the Linguistic Pride of people in our great Maharashtra.
All of a sudden all my Marathi and certain Non-Marathi / Uttar Bharatiya (Is it alright to use the term Bhaiyyas, or is it too soon?) acquaintances who were so far totally nonplussed, happily chatting away in Hinglish or Anglo Marathi or (God Forbid) Hindi; have suddenly opened up their Marathi books, and use only Marathi for all communications.
Why ?? How is it that Marathi 'dudes' have suddenly developed this Humongous Abhiman for their Mai-Boli, and the UTBs (Uttar Bharatiya Bhaiyas) not to be out done have got this severe Me pan Maharashrtiyan syndrome (a.k.a please don't trash me, see im also using Marathi no?)
And how long is this goin to last in the Gnat-Minded fickle Herd-Memory, which already suffers form a major case of Attention Deficit Disorder.
For me it is decidedly weird and a continuing herculean effort to suddenly use a different language to talk to people I have known for so long and conversed with in Hinglish. Its like the persons and personalities completely have changed.
Its like a change of clothes makes a person look different, a change of language can do the the same and much, much more.
Case in point a certain Mr. ....sorry sorry.... Shri. ..that's right... Shri. Niloba [Name changed to protect what little identity of he has left of his own] who seemed normal so far suddenly uses only Chaste Marathi, with words like - Suprabhat, Usha kaal, Ahladkarak, Vatanukulit, Netra Deepak.
Now Breasts have become Vaksha Sthal, Bastard and Asshole have changed to Bhikarda and Keede Padun Marel Sala !!!
Its like Saraswati herself has opened up a Marathi Bhasecha Class on his very tounge.
We have to carry a Marathi-Marathi-English dictionary around him (One place where Google failed me) But I can't say im not loving it on some level.
Gone are the days when my Shuddha marathi friend's suddha marathi Aai had to try to speak Hindi in Marathi to manage day to day activities, I still remember how on learning that her UTB Dhobhi with a family of 10 made only Rs. 90 a day asked him - "Kay re Bhaiya....Tumka....Itne main kasia Bhagta hai re baba ?" (Bhagta being Marathi for Can you manage to sustain, but you already know that now no ?)
and the Dhobi utterly flabbergasted desperately tried to tell her "Nahi...Nahi.... bai, hum Kaheko Bhagega ? Hum Kapda leke kahin Bhagega nahi" It was Hillarious.
Or when SHE told her UTB Istree-Wali "Humara PATNI Gar mai nahi, nantar aao." I can barely imagine the look on the Istree wali's face.
The word Ghati has all but dissapered from our lingo, its gone the way of Nigger. And the word Bhaiya has taken up a new place of importance.
I'm a Marathi and have always proud of my heritage, and I never have been particularly fond of Hindi but only because we had to give two papers of Literature and language in ICSE and HSC and it brought my aggregate percentage down in both places, and partly also because our Hindi teacher was a scary Ruler-Slinging terror. But do I HATE Hindi ?? and what about Hinglish ???
And what about the emails and discussions that say Hindi is not our rastra bhasha, its a official language, that needs some looking into also.(New post coming up on just that, stay tuned)
Now I don't know where to place myself, I just cant figure out if i'm Pro Hindi, Anti Hindi, Pro Marathi or what the hell am I ????
Both sides put forth such delightfully convincing arguments, and I just don't know where to go.
So I guess I'll just stick to my own lingo for now ---
Sala, Its a big Lafda yar, Bolneka kya ?
And mera problem is that --- Mala Saglanchich Mata Patatat.......
All of a sudden all my Marathi and certain Non-Marathi / Uttar Bharatiya (Is it alright to use the term Bhaiyyas, or is it too soon?) acquaintances who were so far totally nonplussed, happily chatting away in Hinglish or Anglo Marathi or (God Forbid) Hindi; have suddenly opened up their Marathi books, and use only Marathi for all communications.
Why ?? How is it that Marathi 'dudes' have suddenly developed this Humongous Abhiman for their Mai-Boli, and the UTBs (Uttar Bharatiya Bhaiyas) not to be out done have got this severe Me pan Maharashrtiyan syndrome (a.k.a please don't trash me, see im also using Marathi no?)
And how long is this goin to last in the Gnat-Minded fickle Herd-Memory, which already suffers form a major case of Attention Deficit Disorder.
For me it is decidedly weird and a continuing herculean effort to suddenly use a different language to talk to people I have known for so long and conversed with in Hinglish. Its like the persons and personalities completely have changed.
Its like a change of clothes makes a person look different, a change of language can do the the same and much, much more.
Case in point a certain Mr. ....sorry sorry.... Shri. ..that's right... Shri. Niloba [Name changed to protect what little identity of he has left of his own] who seemed normal so far suddenly uses only Chaste Marathi, with words like - Suprabhat, Usha kaal, Ahladkarak, Vatanukulit, Netra Deepak.
Now Breasts have become Vaksha Sthal, Bastard and Asshole have changed to Bhikarda and Keede Padun Marel Sala !!!
Its like Saraswati herself has opened up a Marathi Bhasecha Class on his very tounge.
We have to carry a Marathi-Marathi-English dictionary around him (One place where Google failed me) But I can't say im not loving it on some level.
Gone are the days when my Shuddha marathi friend's suddha marathi Aai had to try to speak Hindi in Marathi to manage day to day activities, I still remember how on learning that her UTB Dhobhi with a family of 10 made only Rs. 90 a day asked him - "Kay re Bhaiya....Tumka....Itne main kasia Bhagta hai re baba ?" (Bhagta being Marathi for Can you manage to sustain, but you already know that now no ?)
and the Dhobi utterly flabbergasted desperately tried to tell her "Nahi...Nahi.... bai, hum Kaheko Bhagega ? Hum Kapda leke kahin Bhagega nahi" It was Hillarious.
Or when SHE told her UTB Istree-Wali "Humara PATNI Gar mai nahi, nantar aao." I can barely imagine the look on the Istree wali's face.
The word Ghati has all but dissapered from our lingo, its gone the way of Nigger. And the word Bhaiya has taken up a new place of importance.
I'm a Marathi and have always proud of my heritage, and I never have been particularly fond of Hindi but only because we had to give two papers of Literature and language in ICSE and HSC and it brought my aggregate percentage down in both places, and partly also because our Hindi teacher was a scary Ruler-Slinging terror. But do I HATE Hindi ?? and what about Hinglish ???
And what about the emails and discussions that say Hindi is not our rastra bhasha, its a official language, that needs some looking into also.(New post coming up on just that, stay tuned)
Now I don't know where to place myself, I just cant figure out if i'm Pro Hindi, Anti Hindi, Pro Marathi or what the hell am I ????
Both sides put forth such delightfully convincing arguments, and I just don't know where to go.
So I guess I'll just stick to my own lingo for now ---
Sala, Its a big Lafda yar, Bolneka kya ?
And mera problem is that --- Mala Saglanchich Mata Patatat.......
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I got TB and More.
No, no , not the TB disease, but the good kind of TB.
I have always been Pack Rat par excellence, collecting and hoarding News Clippings, Old Ramshackle Toys, Receipts, Books, Novels, Magazines, Comics and Such, and not to mention the tons and tons of zeros and ones of downloaded data. I just compulsively and very meticulously organize and hold on to data and other bric a bracs.
Been called a Magpipe, A compulsive hoarder, pack rat or as 'Dr. Morya' gracefully puts it -- A big fat 'Ajgar' who just downloads and sits coiled tightly around it. But then again that's me.
I was pretty sure that I have been downloading like a maniac for the last 8 years or so (Right from the crawling 64 kbps gradually coming to a blazing 2 mbps), made evident by the rapid filling up of each and every new Hard Disk I buy, almost bursting apart at the seams every few months, chock full of Movies, Software, Music, e books, e comics, TV shows, Photos, and yes of course the stuff for which the internet is so infamous (Like you don't have it too.)
The Data is just all over the place now Movies have occupied 4 whole DVD stacks (of 100 each) and 2 CD stacks. That is about 500 GB +. But is that enough ????
Just got a new Hard disk today 750 GBs. Hope it last me long enough .
And just for fun though about totaling up the total storage space I have (all mostly full, by the way.)
Now, Of course I knew it would be a Big Figure, but this shocked me too.
Check Out Numbers -
PC No. 1 --- > 160 + 320 + 500 + 750 GBs
PC No 2 --- > 40 + 80 + 160 + 250 GBs
Laptop --- > 80 GBs
External Harddisk --- > 160 GBs
Flash Drives ---- > 1 + 8 GBs
CDs + DVDs ---- > 500 GBs
TOTAL COMES TO A SWEET 3009 GBs and it is going to expand further, surely.
Heavens that's more than 3 Tera Bytes (TB)
Its a butt-load of data....... man.
Makes me really wish I was a Digital 'Ajgar' just to peacefully lie ....... Hissssssing, looped around all that data ----- Oh ! That Would Be Divine Bliss.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Forgive and Forget ? Go F yourself.
Hello again fellas, I thought about veering off from my usual bitchy posts (Ya, Like that's possible.) But on second thoughts this is much more fun.
Since a few relatives and close friends (Et too..) most graciously decided to bring to my notice that I hold Grudges too hard and too long, I decided to switch to Introspection mode, frankly I never even knew I had one. May be it was concealed under the Moss of a multitude of Grudges and layers of Hate I have accumulated and have clung on to.
From....
the benign old school friend who In 4th Standard had finished all the water form my bottle without asking in summer, leaving me parched all day (I make sure to ask him not to sip form my glass each time we meet for Lunch.)
to.............
the malignant SOB (who shalt not be named) in Junior College managed to make an complete ass out of me before my first crush (though I would eventually have done so myself.)
to........
the guy who had been given the Prize just because his Uncle was on the jury panel (Whom I had soundly thrashed on the football field each time, I even joined the coaching just to beat him up.) to..............
more recent .....Damn. some things just should not be made public ....I could go on and on for Hours maybe days even.
Finally, with nothing better to do, and Inspired by the TV sitcom - "My Name is Earl" where the protagonist "Earl Hickey" makes a list of all the bad things hes done and tries to undo them, saying 'Karma is a funny thing' and 'I'm just Trying to be a better person', I too decided to go ahead and make my own list.
My very own List of people who have hurt me and I must forgive. With generous inputs form friends of course, the list has turned out to be a quite a large Manuscript of Human Hatred.
Make a list and just forgive each one on it - sounds so simple.
And how I tried, true to God I did, but it just kept bringing up more anger and hatred- Perfect to reinforce the Grudges I hold.
So far all the list has done is acted like a Menacing 'Toll Booth' to make the hitherto Narrow Tarred Road of my unforgiving life into a posh 6 lane Concrete Highway of Spite.
It even brought back things I had completely forgotten.
Well I could just say I forgive you, but then it just don't account for 'nutthin when You don't mean It, Right ?
So now what to do ? How the hell can you forgive somebody when every cell in you body is crying out with hate and screaming for vengeance ?
That is it then I'm emotionally deficient - I can not Forgive.
It seems I just Love to Hate, and I guess that makes me a bad person, but I don't care.
I am good at being bad, and lovin' it.
TO ERR IS HUMAN..TO FORGIVE IS DIVINE
DON'T MEAN A JACK WHEN YOU ARE DEAD
Looking back at the most notoriously popular forgiver of all times - Jesus. I'm by no means Anti-Christ, I'm very much secular, but he forgave and what did he get for it ?
And neither is mankind any better off for him having suffered for mankind's benefit. It seems forgiveness was as disastrous in the B.C. as it is in the A.D. and the 'C' just served to prove it.
If you keep forgiving the oppressor you only get oppressed even more, its better to hate and rid your self of it.
Hate promotes growth and forgiveness stagnates it.
I guess those people who forgive are either too dumb or forgive because they are weak and can not do anything against the offender. Which reminds me of a 'Kavita' we had in ICSE ---
"KSHMA SHOBHATI US BHUJANG KO,
JISKE PAAS GARAL HO,
USKO KYA JO VISH HEEN,
DANTA HEEN, VINEET SARAL HO."
It pretty much sums up the forgiving thingy I guess. But then again if you are a 'Bhujang' and have some 'Vish' why not just bite, spew some forth and end the matter there and then, saves you form being poked in the ass by the Dilemma's Horns and of the mental conflict of "To forgive or not to Forgive?"
And where is the guarantee that once you forgive you wont get kicked in the 'Nads again ???
I mean, come on is it worth taking that kind of a risk - Forgive and forget.
You don't learn anything that way.
Forgiving is like taking care not to hurt the knife that's sticking in your back, why not impale the backstabber for Pete's sake ?
Of course another school of thought (Hopeless idiots) think you should always forgive and never forget.
HELLO......Any one tried that ??? How the hell do you remember some one hurting you and yet forgive or conversely one you forgive how in the name of God can you remember the wrong doing ???
I looks like such people have terribly poor memories or Alzheimer's and just forget what was done, once you forget the hurt then of course you forgive. Its like what you don't know dose not hurt you. and you repeat the same mistakes of trusting the people you hurt, only to be hurt time and again.
Makes me realize forgiveness is just for books, and lectures. No one truly forgives, if they remember.
I guess I just haven't grown up -- but if maturity makes me forget or forgive then I would most certainly like to remain this way. Its much better to know thine enemy, than to be shot by a 'friend'.
At least this way I get to learn to differentiate the good person form bad one. Some of the places where the 'ID' over 'EGO' helps a lot. (By the way, Mr. Sigmund Freud also on the list)
Now, I think, I don't even want to try to forgive anyone - I prefer to be the Hurtee, getting back at the Hurter.
Cosmetically covering up the scars, with forgiveness sure makes you look good, but isn't it much better to be a scarred veteran having those unsightly wounds what remind you of your mistakes and whom not to trust and not to love thine enemy, like a retard.
So now, my list of forgiveness has got a whole new twist to it - its become my personal Vendetta list.
While I wont go actively looking for and murdering all those on it, I most definitely won't miss a chance to willfully do wrong against them, should such a chance present itself (And I pray it does soon.)
It will most definitely make me feel better and then maybe I can ask them to forgive me for a change. LOL
So just a final warning I take offense easily -- you never know who might have secured a place of Honor in my list, Yah, watch out jackasses it might just be You !!!!!
Since a few relatives and close friends (Et too..) most graciously decided to bring to my notice that I hold Grudges too hard and too long, I decided to switch to Introspection mode, frankly I never even knew I had one. May be it was concealed under the Moss of a multitude of Grudges and layers of Hate I have accumulated and have clung on to.
From....
the benign old school friend who In 4th Standard had finished all the water form my bottle without asking in summer, leaving me parched all day (I make sure to ask him not to sip form my glass each time we meet for Lunch.)
to.............
the malignant SOB (who shalt not be named) in Junior College managed to make an complete ass out of me before my first crush (though I would eventually have done so myself.)
to........
the guy who had been given the Prize just because his Uncle was on the jury panel (Whom I had soundly thrashed on the football field each time, I even joined the coaching just to beat him up.) to..............
more recent .....Damn. some things just should not be made public ....I could go on and on for Hours maybe days even.
Finally, with nothing better to do, and Inspired by the TV sitcom - "My Name is Earl" where the protagonist "Earl Hickey" makes a list of all the bad things hes done and tries to undo them, saying 'Karma is a funny thing' and 'I'm just Trying to be a better person', I too decided to go ahead and make my own list.
My very own List of people who have hurt me and I must forgive. With generous inputs form friends of course, the list has turned out to be a quite a large Manuscript of Human Hatred.
Make a list and just forgive each one on it - sounds so simple.
And how I tried, true to God I did, but it just kept bringing up more anger and hatred- Perfect to reinforce the Grudges I hold.
So far all the list has done is acted like a Menacing 'Toll Booth' to make the hitherto Narrow Tarred Road of my unforgiving life into a posh 6 lane Concrete Highway of Spite.
It even brought back things I had completely forgotten.
Well I could just say I forgive you, but then it just don't account for 'nutthin when You don't mean It, Right ?
So now what to do ? How the hell can you forgive somebody when every cell in you body is crying out with hate and screaming for vengeance ?
That is it then I'm emotionally deficient - I can not Forgive.
It seems I just Love to Hate, and I guess that makes me a bad person, but I don't care.
I am good at being bad, and lovin' it.
TO ERR IS HUMAN..TO FORGIVE IS DIVINEDON'T MEAN A JACK WHEN YOU ARE DEAD
Looking back at the most notoriously popular forgiver of all times - Jesus. I'm by no means Anti-Christ, I'm very much secular, but he forgave and what did he get for it ?
And neither is mankind any better off for him having suffered for mankind's benefit. It seems forgiveness was as disastrous in the B.C. as it is in the A.D. and the 'C' just served to prove it.
If you keep forgiving the oppressor you only get oppressed even more, its better to hate and rid your self of it.
Hate promotes growth and forgiveness stagnates it.
I guess those people who forgive are either too dumb or forgive because they are weak and can not do anything against the offender. Which reminds me of a 'Kavita' we had in ICSE ---
"KSHMA SHOBHATI US BHUJANG KO,
JISKE PAAS GARAL HO,
USKO KYA JO VISH HEEN,
DANTA HEEN, VINEET SARAL HO."
It pretty much sums up the forgiving thingy I guess. But then again if you are a 'Bhujang' and have some 'Vish' why not just bite, spew some forth and end the matter there and then, saves you form being poked in the ass by the Dilemma's Horns and of the mental conflict of "To forgive or not to Forgive?"
And where is the guarantee that once you forgive you wont get kicked in the 'Nads again ???
I mean, come on is it worth taking that kind of a risk - Forgive and forget.
You don't learn anything that way.
Forgiving is like taking care not to hurt the knife that's sticking in your back, why not impale the backstabber for Pete's sake ?
Of course another school of thought (Hopeless idiots) think you should always forgive and never forget.
HELLO......Any one tried that ??? How the hell do you remember some one hurting you and yet forgive or conversely one you forgive how in the name of God can you remember the wrong doing ???
I looks like such people have terribly poor memories or Alzheimer's and just forget what was done, once you forget the hurt then of course you forgive. Its like what you don't know dose not hurt you. and you repeat the same mistakes of trusting the people you hurt, only to be hurt time and again.
Makes me realize forgiveness is just for books, and lectures. No one truly forgives, if they remember.
I guess I just haven't grown up -- but if maturity makes me forget or forgive then I would most certainly like to remain this way. Its much better to know thine enemy, than to be shot by a 'friend'.
At least this way I get to learn to differentiate the good person form bad one. Some of the places where the 'ID' over 'EGO' helps a lot. (By the way, Mr. Sigmund Freud also on the list)
Now, I think, I don't even want to try to forgive anyone - I prefer to be the Hurtee, getting back at the Hurter.
Cosmetically covering up the scars, with forgiveness sure makes you look good, but isn't it much better to be a scarred veteran having those unsightly wounds what remind you of your mistakes and whom not to trust and not to love thine enemy, like a retard.
So now, my list of forgiveness has got a whole new twist to it - its become my personal Vendetta list.
While I wont go actively looking for and murdering all those on it, I most definitely won't miss a chance to willfully do wrong against them, should such a chance present itself (And I pray it does soon.)
It will most definitely make me feel better and then maybe I can ask them to forgive me for a change. LOL
So just a final warning I take offense easily -- you never know who might have secured a place of Honor in my list, Yah, watch out jackasses it might just be You !!!!!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I'm Licenced in Maharashtra, Not in Cyberspace !!
Its very good that nowadays, almost everyone who is anyone has a decent PC and internet connection in their Home or Offices. And its even better that more and more people are awakening to the better uses (?) of the Internet-PC than to download Porn on the sly. People are becoming more computer friendly and the Internet-PC is become a real good tool for online chatting, mailing, trading, banking, shopping and such.
So ?? Big Bloody Deal !!!
Everyone knows that, Why waste time to write about the obvious - Falling short of material to blog on, are we ???
Well, Yes actually, but this Post is not about the Social Net Awakening that we are going through.
We all know how Video killed the Radio Star and now Email has done just about the same to the Postmen in Khaki (may they rest in peace). Not to mention so many other professions that are or surely will be destroyed by the Internet and PC.
I frankly never thought it would affect the Medical Professional much, of course barring the occasional too well informed patient who has gleaned so much information about his condition from the Net that he frankly knows more about it than his Treating Physician does. Even to the extent of quoting different countries' guidelines of management and research papers on the subject, doses and side-effects and comes to the clinic armed to the teeth with an arsenal of printouts as a proof of the intensive research they have done. And Good heavens, they ask Oh, so many questions the answers to which they already have (and which the physician must know or must conjure up something fast and sound confidently convincing too -- Now that deserves an Oscar, or an Emmy in the very least.)
They just wont pay up and leave till you praise their detective work, and mention a few more medical websites, which they eagerly jot down, with an enormous look of satisfaction - The kind that the enlightened Mr. Buddha must have had sitting under his tree.
I've had these patients and I'm sure most of you other doctors have faced them too (If not, just you wait for these -- Vivas LOL.)
It scares me half to death, yes, it quite frankly does, not just because I need to keep on top of the patient knowledge, or run the risk of looking like a fool, But because I do genuinely feel that sometimes the lesser information a patient has the better it is for him.
Wish I was born in the "Take two tablets and you will be all fine" era it must have truly been paradise.
Then again, whats ya gonna do ? These Net Enabled Patient (NEPs) are out there and there is no escaping them.
But as long as they visit in person and pay up the fees these NEPs are fine by me, but only because there is a even worse breed of Net Mutated Patients out there.
These are the Lazy - Kanjoos - Cyber - Patients (a.k.a. L.K.C.P 's or The Shameless Bhikkus). They act like you are their 'Langoti Yar' or some 'Mele me bichada hoa Bhai' and as a rule always will contact you on the Online instant messengers (Unfortunately I'm always signed in) or email.
They will ping and ping and ping relentlessly forcing you to reply, or will call you up requesting you most politely to come online if possible. They will insist on telling symptoms online, will also send high quality photos of the lesions (Of successive days if needed), will also tell the Blood Pressure and pulse read off swanky digital Blood Pressure monitors.
And if you ask them to do certain blood or other investigations or X-rays or Sonographies they will badger the labs to mail you a copy directly and also scan out and mail the reports themselves.
Curses on these newfangled labs that also provide CDs of Xrays and USGs, it makes it so easy for these type of patients -- they don't even need to move a muscle to scan the Xrays before emailing them any more.
All this just to save the effort of visiting in person or even more importantly to save on coughing up the mere pittance charged as fees.
Presently since I have no way to get paid online and being a bloody good person at heart, mostly I relent and give in to them.
But Hey, I need my bread too, and considering my size quite a lot of it.
So, this goes out to all those people wanting free online advice form me ----Guys visit in person please ------I'M LICENCED IN MAHARASHTRA, NOT IN CYBERSPACE.
So ?? Big Bloody Deal !!!
Everyone knows that, Why waste time to write about the obvious - Falling short of material to blog on, are we ???
Well, Yes actually, but this Post is not about the Social Net Awakening that we are going through.
We all know how Video killed the Radio Star and now Email has done just about the same to the Postmen in Khaki (may they rest in peace). Not to mention so many other professions that are or surely will be destroyed by the Internet and PC.
I frankly never thought it would affect the Medical Professional much, of course barring the occasional too well informed patient who has gleaned so much information about his condition from the Net that he frankly knows more about it than his Treating Physician does. Even to the extent of quoting different countries' guidelines of management and research papers on the subject, doses and side-effects and comes to the clinic armed to the teeth with an arsenal of printouts as a proof of the intensive research they have done. And Good heavens, they ask Oh, so many questions the answers to which they already have (and which the physician must know or must conjure up something fast and sound confidently convincing too -- Now that deserves an Oscar, or an Emmy in the very least.)
They just wont pay up and leave till you praise their detective work, and mention a few more medical websites, which they eagerly jot down, with an enormous look of satisfaction - The kind that the enlightened Mr. Buddha must have had sitting under his tree.
I've had these patients and I'm sure most of you other doctors have faced them too (If not, just you wait for these -- Vivas LOL.)
It scares me half to death, yes, it quite frankly does, not just because I need to keep on top of the patient knowledge, or run the risk of looking like a fool, But because I do genuinely feel that sometimes the lesser information a patient has the better it is for him.
Wish I was born in the "Take two tablets and you will be all fine" era it must have truly been paradise.
Then again, whats ya gonna do ? These Net Enabled Patient (NEPs) are out there and there is no escaping them.
But as long as they visit in person and pay up the fees these NEPs are fine by me, but only because there is a even worse breed of Net Mutated Patients out there.
These are the Lazy - Kanjoos - Cyber - Patients (a.k.a. L.K.C.P 's or The Shameless Bhikkus). They act like you are their 'Langoti Yar' or some 'Mele me bichada hoa Bhai' and as a rule always will contact you on the Online instant messengers (Unfortunately I'm always signed in) or email.
They will ping and ping and ping relentlessly forcing you to reply, or will call you up requesting you most politely to come online if possible. They will insist on telling symptoms online, will also send high quality photos of the lesions (Of successive days if needed), will also tell the Blood Pressure and pulse read off swanky digital Blood Pressure monitors.
And if you ask them to do certain blood or other investigations or X-rays or Sonographies they will badger the labs to mail you a copy directly and also scan out and mail the reports themselves.
Curses on these newfangled labs that also provide CDs of Xrays and USGs, it makes it so easy for these type of patients -- they don't even need to move a muscle to scan the Xrays before emailing them any more.
All this just to save the effort of visiting in person or even more importantly to save on coughing up the mere pittance charged as fees.
Presently since I have no way to get paid online and being a bloody good person at heart, mostly I relent and give in to them.
But Hey, I need my bread too, and considering my size quite a lot of it.
So, this goes out to all those people wanting free online advice form me ----Guys visit in person please ------I'M LICENCED IN MAHARASHTRA, NOT IN CYBERSPACE.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Elephant Dance.
Its that most wonderful time of the year again when the Godly Elephant has cleared the streets and the Human Elephants have claimed it for 9 crazy nights.
Unfortunately I have a pair of good, working eyes made even better by glasses which makes me dread venturing out at night during the Navratri 'cause 'They' are everywhere, Street corners, Open Maidans, Hotel Grounds, Terraces, everywhere and trust me No one needs to see that, No one. Why, its like Medusa's head a look and you are almost petrified.
No I'm not rambling 'round foolishly.....Then what the hell I'm I Yakking about ??
One clue --- Its most probably why Earth Quakes happen, and one of the leading causes of Blindness in India. Got it ?
No ?? ....No ??
Oh boy, have you never seen the Dandiya Dancers ? No, not the nubile nymphets full of oomph, those are the good kind, my kind, the ones make the whole thing barely watchable.
I'm talking about those other ones - The Thunderous Fat 'Gujju Ben' Aunties Form Hell. (Are they named after The Big Ben.... I wonder.) God knows why Night after Night they come out wearing new and the most hilarious outfits that totally highlight their curves (In the most hideous way imaginable)...it looks like two "Tun Tun"s stuffed hurriedly into a Malilka Sherawat costume (And I don't even find Mallika very pretty, or sexy)
And then they start to dance in pairs, which looks like something like either a Hippo having a seizure or a Humongous Blob of Jelly bobbing about shapelessly, the red faced wheezing and panting is a bonus feature.
Then is phase two, its Nightmare time ----The Group Garbha - always reminds me of Disney's Jungle Book Movie, The Colonel Hathi going - Hup, Two, Three, Four....Hup, Two, Three, Four.... The only difference is that the animated Hathis were much better organized.
And as if this is not bad enough they start to Clap - I cant quite make out if that stereo phonic, resounding clap that echoes over the DJs wacky beats originates between those large size 10 hands (Glove Size) or form the Flab of their thunder thighs crashing on one another.
Ok, Ok ....Its a foul ...no more below the Belt ...Er...Ghaghra String Jabs. (They don't wear belts not that you'd find a size that fits anyways.)
Its like a Horror Flick, you desperately wanna look away but just cant tear your gaze away, and watch on helplessly.
That made me realize why there are two Dandiyas its one for each eye - The sights are so disturbing it make one almost poke 'em eyes out.
And God forbid if any 'Auntie' knows me - "Aree Doctor...Avee Jao.....Please Avee Jao....." and a Anaconda-Thick arm snakes out and sucks me into that fat mess of madness. Two sticks are thrust into my hands and I'm wishing they were connected by a chain like Nan chucks (Provided I was some kind of a Ninja Warrior, to use them.) Those sticks are useless as weapons, its like hitting an elephant with a Peashooter.
I just stand there like a moron, holding the sticks tightly for comfort (Its Tinke ka sahara indeed) unable to believe how I landed in the thick of it so suddenly and trying desperately not to get crushed. Hell I'm going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood for weeks no doubt about that.
Its like its MOTIVATING -- Moti waiting just to pull me in.
Now I'm a size XXL myself but here my size is no protection, cause im in the middle of sizes that can only be described as a XXXXXXXXXXLLLL Giant Sumo Size. I'm praying fervently -- "Gawd' please don't let me be crushed to death - My Mom's got only one child."
It takes me all my strength and maneuverability and Poking and Prodding those sticks into all the Gujjus blocking my way, to get out of that sea of Wriggling Flab (mine included.)
Finally after what seems like an eternity I get out with what little dignity I have left huffing and puffing about the Navratri and that Damn Garbha, Cussin' and wishing that Fat Lady has a stroke so I can charge her a big fat packet just to get even.
But again a voice rings out, like a bull bellowing in the meadows-- "Doctor ......Doctor.......bay minute ruko ne ....." Holy Shit !! It sounds like the Tub of lard again. Did my wish come true? Yay!!.. Is she having a Heart Attack ?? Praise the Lord. I turn around in slow motion hoping to see a fat form sprawled out on the tarmac, and all ready to rush Superman 'Istyle' to save the day.
But No..No...No..!! Somebody up there must really hate me-- Shes standing there all hale and hearty fat. "Be minute to ruko.....Gharma Javanu shu ghai che tamme?" Im seething inwards Damn you woman just made me a laughing stock, now what ? Are you going to take away even the last scrap of self respect I have ???
What to do ? What to do ? Being the 'Eternal Gentleman' does have its disadvantages. I drag my feet back with a sinking feeling in my chest, and babbling excuses about how I can't dance and don't do the Dandiya.... I have House calls to make...... I have two left feet..... Really Sorrry.... Next time surely.... Tomorrow Night Fixed Ok.....
But HUH ?? whats this then ? Standing beside her hidden by her bulk is this pretty little thing.
"You knows my beti naa ?" No not really (but I sure as hell would like to know her.)
"Silpa** Doctor ne Dandia shikahv to phataphat" I'm all like "Oh please, Common Auntie why don't you call me Rishi after all im just you daughter's age no?"(Hoping my remark strikes home.)
[** Name changed to protect Identity]
Now Of course I let my self be dragged back in with ease. And when we are out of earshot of 'Mummy' I'm all "Sorry yar, why don't you just go and dance with your Boyfriend while I slink quietly away."
"No no, its ok Doctor, in any case im still single, no BF." That is all I want to hear, "Hey, Just call me Rishi"
And then I do the Gharba Raas and Dance and Dance till the Music Stops..."That was fun Rishi you should come tomorrow night too" Like I needed to be asked.
No wonder the 'Gujju' teen pregnancy rates soar after Navratri ------ Not that I have in any way contributed. (Hate my self for being a Gentleman, or trying to be one at least.)
It takes just 5 to 10 years to turn beautiful young 'Gujju' hotties into those Jiggly flabby "Gujju Bens" Remarkable feat of nature Indeed.
Just 5 to 10 years for the complete Reverse Metamorphosis of a Butterfly into a Fat unsightly Caterpillar.
God only knows how that happens. Time adding new layers to the girth that's all it is.
All I know is this - Gotta have my fun now, I might as well fly with the Butterfly, Now, before it cocoons, cause tomorrow it will be sure to turn into that wheezing groaning flabby thing.
But what the hell its Navratri time, Magical nights and all. And come to think of it those "Aunties" don't seem as offensive now, as they used to, they are just horribly beefed up older cuties after all.
But Screw it all ---- I still am going 'Dandiyaing' again tomorrow night.
Move over Mithun Da - The Disco Dandiya Man is here !!!
Unfortunately I have a pair of good, working eyes made even better by glasses which makes me dread venturing out at night during the Navratri 'cause 'They' are everywhere, Street corners, Open Maidans, Hotel Grounds, Terraces, everywhere and trust me No one needs to see that, No one. Why, its like Medusa's head a look and you are almost petrified.
No I'm not rambling 'round foolishly.....Then what the hell I'm I Yakking about ??
One clue --- Its most probably why Earth Quakes happen, and one of the leading causes of Blindness in India. Got it ?
No ?? ....No ??
Oh boy, have you never seen the Dandiya Dancers ? No, not the nubile nymphets full of oomph, those are the good kind, my kind, the ones make the whole thing barely watchable.
I'm talking about those other ones - The Thunderous Fat 'Gujju Ben' Aunties Form Hell. (Are they named after The Big Ben.... I wonder.) God knows why Night after Night they come out wearing new and the most hilarious outfits that totally highlight their curves (In the most hideous way imaginable)...it looks like two "Tun Tun"s stuffed hurriedly into a Malilka Sherawat costume (And I don't even find Mallika very pretty, or sexy)
And then they start to dance in pairs, which looks like something like either a Hippo having a seizure or a Humongous Blob of Jelly bobbing about shapelessly, the red faced wheezing and panting is a bonus feature.
Then is phase two, its Nightmare time ----The Group Garbha - always reminds me of Disney's Jungle Book Movie, The Colonel Hathi going - Hup, Two, Three, Four....Hup, Two, Three, Four.... The only difference is that the animated Hathis were much better organized.
And as if this is not bad enough they start to Clap - I cant quite make out if that stereo phonic, resounding clap that echoes over the DJs wacky beats originates between those large size 10 hands (Glove Size) or form the Flab of their thunder thighs crashing on one another.
Ok, Ok ....Its a foul ...no more below the Belt ...Er...Ghaghra String Jabs. (They don't wear belts not that you'd find a size that fits anyways.)
Its like a Horror Flick, you desperately wanna look away but just cant tear your gaze away, and watch on helplessly.
That made me realize why there are two Dandiyas its one for each eye - The sights are so disturbing it make one almost poke 'em eyes out.
And God forbid if any 'Auntie' knows me - "Aree Doctor...Avee Jao.....Please Avee Jao....." and a Anaconda-Thick arm snakes out and sucks me into that fat mess of madness. Two sticks are thrust into my hands and I'm wishing they were connected by a chain like Nan chucks (Provided I was some kind of a Ninja Warrior, to use them.) Those sticks are useless as weapons, its like hitting an elephant with a Peashooter.
I just stand there like a moron, holding the sticks tightly for comfort (Its Tinke ka sahara indeed) unable to believe how I landed in the thick of it so suddenly and trying desperately not to get crushed. Hell I'm going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood for weeks no doubt about that.
Its like its MOTIVATING -- Moti waiting just to pull me in.
Now I'm a size XXL myself but here my size is no protection, cause im in the middle of sizes that can only be described as a XXXXXXXXXXLLLL Giant Sumo Size. I'm praying fervently -- "Gawd' please don't let me be crushed to death - My Mom's got only one child."
It takes me all my strength and maneuverability and Poking and Prodding those sticks into all the Gujjus blocking my way, to get out of that sea of Wriggling Flab (mine included.)
Finally after what seems like an eternity I get out with what little dignity I have left huffing and puffing about the Navratri and that Damn Garbha, Cussin' and wishing that Fat Lady has a stroke so I can charge her a big fat packet just to get even.
But again a voice rings out, like a bull bellowing in the meadows-- "Doctor ......Doctor.......bay minute ruko ne ....." Holy Shit !! It sounds like the Tub of lard again. Did my wish come true? Yay!!.. Is she having a Heart Attack ?? Praise the Lord. I turn around in slow motion hoping to see a fat form sprawled out on the tarmac, and all ready to rush Superman 'Istyle' to save the day.
But No..No...No..!! Somebody up there must really hate me-- Shes standing there all hale and hearty fat. "Be minute to ruko.....Gharma Javanu shu ghai che tamme?" Im seething inwards Damn you woman just made me a laughing stock, now what ? Are you going to take away even the last scrap of self respect I have ???
What to do ? What to do ? Being the 'Eternal Gentleman' does have its disadvantages. I drag my feet back with a sinking feeling in my chest, and babbling excuses about how I can't dance and don't do the Dandiya.... I have House calls to make...... I have two left feet..... Really Sorrry.... Next time surely.... Tomorrow Night Fixed Ok.....
But HUH ?? whats this then ? Standing beside her hidden by her bulk is this pretty little thing.
"You knows my beti naa ?" No not really (but I sure as hell would like to know her.)
"Silpa** Doctor ne Dandia shikahv to phataphat" I'm all like "Oh please, Common Auntie why don't you call me Rishi after all im just you daughter's age no?"(Hoping my remark strikes home.)
[** Name changed to protect Identity]
Now Of course I let my self be dragged back in with ease. And when we are out of earshot of 'Mummy' I'm all "Sorry yar, why don't you just go and dance with your Boyfriend while I slink quietly away."
"No no, its ok Doctor, in any case im still single, no BF." That is all I want to hear, "Hey, Just call me Rishi"
And then I do the Gharba Raas and Dance and Dance till the Music Stops..."That was fun Rishi you should come tomorrow night too" Like I needed to be asked.
No wonder the 'Gujju' teen pregnancy rates soar after Navratri ------ Not that I have in any way contributed. (Hate my self for being a Gentleman, or trying to be one at least.)
It takes just 5 to 10 years to turn beautiful young 'Gujju' hotties into those Jiggly flabby "Gujju Bens" Remarkable feat of nature Indeed.
Just 5 to 10 years for the complete Reverse Metamorphosis of a Butterfly into a Fat unsightly Caterpillar.
God only knows how that happens. Time adding new layers to the girth that's all it is.
All I know is this - Gotta have my fun now, I might as well fly with the Butterfly, Now, before it cocoons, cause tomorrow it will be sure to turn into that wheezing groaning flabby thing.
But what the hell its Navratri time, Magical nights and all. And come to think of it those "Aunties" don't seem as offensive now, as they used to, they are just horribly beefed up older cuties after all.
But Screw it all ---- I still am going 'Dandiyaing' again tomorrow night.
Move over Mithun Da - The Disco Dandiya Man is here !!!
/\/\/\/\/\ HAPPY NAVRATRI GUYS AND GALS /\/\/\/\/\
HAVE FUN ---- PLAY SAFE !!!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Perspective
Hello again, Just thought of sharing this wonderful story mailed by Dr. K. (Using the proper Blog etiquette of not sharing full names, but leaving enough hints so that you can figure out who it is anyways LOL)
PERSPECTIVE
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the
trip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.
'Oh yeah,' said the son.
'So, tell me, what you learned from the trip?' asked the father
The son answered: 'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?
Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
'Life is too short and friends are too few.'
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