The Elephant Dance.

Its that most wonderful time of the year again when the Godly Elephant has cleared the streets and the Human Elephants have claimed it for 9 crazy nights.

Unfortunately I have a pair of good, working eyes made even better by glasses which makes me dread venturing out at night during the Navratri 'cause 'They' are everywhere, Street corners, Open Maidans, Hotel Grounds, Terraces, everywhere and trust me No one needs to see that, No one. Why, its like Medusa's head a look and you are almost petrified.

No I'm not rambling 'round foolishly.....Then what the hell I'm I Yakking about ??
One clue --- Its most probably why Earth Quakes happen, and one of the leading causes of Blindness in India. Got it ?
No ?? ....No ??

Oh boy, have you never seen the Dandiya Dancers ? No, not the nubile nymphets full of oomph, those are the good kind, my kind, the ones make the whole thing barely watchable.

I'm talking about those other ones - The Thunderous Fat 'Gujju Ben' Aunties Form Hell. (Are they named after The Big Ben.... I wonder.) God knows why Night after Night they come out wearing new and the most hilarious outfits that totally highlight their curves (In the most hideous way imaginable)...it looks like two "Tun Tun"s stuffed hurriedly into a Malilka Sherawat costume (And I don't even find Mallika very pretty, or sexy)
And then they start to dance in pairs, which looks like something like either a Hippo having a seizure or a Humongous Blob of Jelly bobbing about shapelessly, the red faced wheezing and panting is a bonus feature.
Then is phase two, its Nightmare time ----The Group Garbha - always reminds me of Disney's Jungle Book Movie, The Colonel Hathi going - Hup, Two, Three, Four....Hup, Two, Three, Four.... The only difference is that the animated Hathis were much better organized.

And as if this is not bad enough they start to Clap - I cant quite make out if that stereo phonic, resounding clap that echoes over the DJs wacky beats originates between those large size 10 hands (Glove Size) or form the Flab of their thunder thighs crashing on one another.
Ok, Ok ....Its a foul ...no more below the Belt ...Er...Ghaghra String Jabs. (They don't wear belts not that you'd find a size that fits anyways.)
Its like a Horror Flick, you desperately wanna look away but just cant tear your gaze away, and watch on helplessly.
That made me realize why there are two Dandiyas its one for each eye - The sights are so disturbing it make one almost poke 'em eyes out.

And God forbid if any 'Auntie' knows me - "Aree Doctor...Avee Jao.....Please Avee Jao....." and a Anaconda-Thick arm snakes out and sucks me into that fat mess of madness. Two sticks are thrust into my hands and I'm wishing they were connected by a chain like Nan chucks (Provided I was some kind of a Ninja Warrior, to use them.) Those sticks are useless as weapons, its like hitting an elephant with a Peashooter.
I just stand there like a moron, holding the sticks tightly for comfort (Its Tinke ka sahara indeed) unable to believe how I landed in the thick of it so suddenly and trying desperately not to get crushed. Hell I'm going to be the laughing stock of the neighborhood for weeks no doubt about that.
Its like its MOTIVATING -- Moti waiting just to pull me in.
Now I'm a size XXL myself but here my size is no protection, cause im in the middle of sizes that can only be described as a XXXXXXXXXXLLLL Giant Sumo Size. I'm praying fervently -- "Gawd' please don't let me be crushed to death - My Mom's got only one child."
It takes me all my strength and maneuverability and Poking and Prodding those sticks into all the Gujjus blocking my way, to get out of that sea of Wriggling Flab (mine included.)
Finally after what seems like an eternity I get out with what little dignity I have left huffing and puffing about the Navratri and that Damn Garbha, Cussin' and wishing that Fat Lady has a stroke so I can charge her a big fat packet just to get even.

But again a voice rings out, like a bull bellowing in the meadows-- "Doctor ......Doctor.......bay minute ruko ne ....." Holy Shit !! It sounds like the Tub of lard again. Did my wish come true? Yay!!.. Is she having a Heart Attack ?? Praise the Lord. I turn around in slow motion hoping to see a fat form sprawled out on the tarmac, and all ready to rush Superman 'Istyle' to save the day.

But No..No...No..!! Somebody up there must really hate me-- Shes standing there all hale and hearty fat. "Be minute to ruko.....Gharma Javanu shu ghai che tamme?" Im seething inwards Damn you woman just made me a laughing stock, now what ? Are you going to take away even the last scrap of self respect I have ???

What to do ? What to do ? Being the 'Eternal Gentleman' does have its disadvantages. I drag my feet back with a sinking feeling in my chest, and babbling excuses about how I can't dance and don't do the Dandiya.... I have House calls to make...... I have two left feet..... Really Sorrry.... Next time surely.... Tomorrow Night Fixed Ok.....

But HUH ?? whats this then ? Standing beside her hidden by her bulk is this pretty little thing.
"You knows my beti naa ?" No not really (but I sure as hell would like to know her.)
"Silpa** Doctor ne Dandia shikahv to phataphat" I'm all like "Oh please, Common Auntie why don't you call me Rishi after all im just you daughter's age no?"(Hoping my remark strikes home.)

[** Name changed to protect Identity]

Now Of course I let my self be dragged back in with ease. And when we are out of earshot of 'Mummy' I'm all "Sorry yar, why don't you just go and dance with your Boyfriend while I slink quietly away."
"No no, its ok Doctor, in any case im still single, no BF." That is all I want to hear, "Hey, Just call me Rishi"

And then I do the Gharba Raas and Dance and Dance till the Music Stops..."That was fun Rishi you should come tomorrow night too" Like I needed to be asked.

No wonder the 'Gujju' teen pregnancy rates soar after Navratri ------ Not that I have in any way contributed. (Hate my self for being a Gentleman, or trying to be one at least.)

It takes just 5 to 10 years to turn beautiful young 'Gujju' hotties into those Jiggly flabby "Gujju Bens" Remarkable feat of nature Indeed.
Just 5 to 10 years for the complete Reverse Metamorphosis of a Butterfly into a Fat unsightly Caterpillar.
God only knows how that happens. Time adding new layers to the girth that's all it is.

All I know is this - Gotta have my fun now, I might as well fly with the Butterfly, Now, before it cocoons, cause tomorrow it will be sure to turn into that wheezing groaning flabby thing.

But what the hell its Navratri time, Magical nights and all. And come to think of it those "Aunties" don't seem as offensive now, as they used to, they are just horribly beefed up older cuties after all.

But Screw it all ---- I still am going 'Dandiyaing' again tomorrow night.

Move over Mithun Da - The Disco Dandiya Man is here !!!

/\/\/\/\/\ HAPPY NAVRATRI GUYS AND GALS /\/\/\/\/\

HAVE FUN ---- PLAY SAFE !!!