Since a few relatives and close friends (Et too..) most graciously decided to bring to my notice that I hold Grudges too hard and too long, I decided to switch to Introspection mode, frankly I never even knew I had one. May be it was concealed under the Moss of a multitude of Grudges and layers of Hate I have accumulated and have clung on to.
From....
the benign old school friend who In 4th Standard had finished all the water form my bottle without asking in summer, leaving me parched all day (I make sure to ask him not to sip form my glass each time we meet for Lunch.)
to.............
the malignant SOB (who shalt not be named) in Junior College managed to make an complete ass out of me before my first crush (though I would eventually have done so myself.)
to........
the guy who had been given the Prize just because his Uncle was on the jury panel (Whom I had soundly thrashed on the football field each time, I even joined the coaching just to beat him up.) to..............
more recent .....Damn. some things just should not be made public ....I could go on and on for Hours maybe days even.
Finally, with nothing better to do, and Inspired by the TV sitcom - "My Name is Earl" where the protagonist "Earl Hickey" makes a list of all the bad things hes done and tries to undo them, saying 'Karma is a funny thing' and 'I'm just Trying to be a better person', I too decided to go ahead and make my own list.
My very own List of people who have hurt me and I must forgive. With generous inputs form friends of course, the list has turned out to be a quite a large Manuscript of Human Hatred.
Make a list and just forgive each one on it - sounds so simple.
And how I tried, true to God I did, but it just kept bringing up more anger and hatred- Perfect to reinforce the Grudges I hold.
So far all the list has done is acted like a Menacing 'Toll Booth' to make the hitherto Narrow Tarred Road of my unforgiving life into a posh 6 lane Concrete Highway of Spite.
It even brought back things I had completely forgotten.
Well I could just say I forgive you, but then it just don't account for 'nutthin when You don't mean It, Right ?
So now what to do ? How the hell can you forgive somebody when every cell in you body is crying out with hate and screaming for vengeance ?
That is it then I'm emotionally deficient - I can not Forgive.
It seems I just Love to Hate, and I guess that makes me a bad person, but I don't care.
I am good at being bad, and lovin' it.
TO ERR IS HUMAN..TO FORGIVE IS DIVINEDON'T MEAN A JACK WHEN YOU ARE DEAD
Looking back at the most notoriously popular forgiver of all times - Jesus. I'm by no means Anti-Christ, I'm very much secular, but he forgave and what did he get for it ?
And neither is mankind any better off for him having suffered for mankind's benefit. It seems forgiveness was as disastrous in the B.C. as it is in the A.D. and the 'C' just served to prove it.
If you keep forgiving the oppressor you only get oppressed even more, its better to hate and rid your self of it.
Hate promotes growth and forgiveness stagnates it.
I guess those people who forgive are either too dumb or forgive because they are weak and can not do anything against the offender. Which reminds me of a 'Kavita' we had in ICSE ---
"KSHMA SHOBHATI US BHUJANG KO,
JISKE PAAS GARAL HO,
USKO KYA JO VISH HEEN,
DANTA HEEN, VINEET SARAL HO."
It pretty much sums up the forgiving thingy I guess. But then again if you are a 'Bhujang' and have some 'Vish' why not just bite, spew some forth and end the matter there and then, saves you form being poked in the ass by the Dilemma's Horns and of the mental conflict of "To forgive or not to Forgive?"
And where is the guarantee that once you forgive you wont get kicked in the 'Nads again ???
I mean, come on is it worth taking that kind of a risk - Forgive and forget.
You don't learn anything that way.
Forgiving is like taking care not to hurt the knife that's sticking in your back, why not impale the backstabber for Pete's sake ?
Of course another school of thought (Hopeless idiots) think you should always forgive and never forget.
HELLO......Any one tried that ??? How the hell do you remember some one hurting you and yet forgive or conversely one you forgive how in the name of God can you remember the wrong doing ???
I looks like such people have terribly poor memories or Alzheimer's and just forget what was done, once you forget the hurt then of course you forgive. Its like what you don't know dose not hurt you. and you repeat the same mistakes of trusting the people you hurt, only to be hurt time and again.
Makes me realize forgiveness is just for books, and lectures. No one truly forgives, if they remember.
I guess I just haven't grown up -- but if maturity makes me forget or forgive then I would most certainly like to remain this way. Its much better to know thine enemy, than to be shot by a 'friend'.
At least this way I get to learn to differentiate the good person form bad one. Some of the places where the 'ID' over 'EGO' helps a lot. (By the way, Mr. Sigmund Freud also on the list)
Now, I think, I don't even want to try to forgive anyone - I prefer to be the Hurtee, getting back at the Hurter.
Cosmetically covering up the scars, with forgiveness sure makes you look good, but isn't it much better to be a scarred veteran having those unsightly wounds what remind you of your mistakes and whom not to trust and not to love thine enemy, like a retard.
So now, my list of forgiveness has got a whole new twist to it - its become my personal Vendetta list.
While I wont go actively looking for and murdering all those on it, I most definitely won't miss a chance to willfully do wrong against them, should such a chance present itself (And I pray it does soon.)
It will most definitely make me feel better and then maybe I can ask them to forgive me for a change. LOL
So just a final warning I take offense easily -- you never know who might have secured a place of Honor in my list, Yah, watch out jackasses it might just be You !!!!!
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